THE SLASHER PERSONALITY TEST
by Hunter Shea
Drunk conversation prompt. Best asked after 4 craft beers with a high ABV or 4 glasses of wine or 3 bourbons, neat.
“Dude, if you had to be killed by a slasher, who would it be and why?”
Do not ask this question during dinner at grandma’s, a funeral, or business dinner at a fancy restaurant. You know, like one of those places that makes you wear a tie just so you can chow down on a $75 steak.
Do ask this question just about everywhere else. Sit back and watch people pick their poison. Here’s what each slasher selection will tell you about your friend or family member.
PINHEAD – Check this guy’s closet. I’ll bet there’s a whip or two in there, some Astro glide, studded paddles, leather masks, a ball gag or two, and a collection of Dylan Thomas poetry. Goes to church every Sunday with his own weird agenda. Most likely to succeed…at punching himself in the balls.
LEATHERFACE – Possible cross dresser. At the very least, has a cache full of tranny porn. Loves to eat at Arby’s. Yeah, he has the meats, too. Happiest living in a hoarder house. Blood sausage is a breakfast staple. Favorite TV show, American Loggers. Most likely to make love to a chicken carcass.
FREDDY KREUGER – Closet lover of old-time comedians like Henny Youngman, Milton Berle and Joan Rivers. Has a closet full of sweaters and always wins the ugly sweater contest at Christmas. Is very into ASMR. Considers himself a very punny guy. Most likely to die of sleep deprivation.
MICHAEL MYERS – Had a childhood crush on the babysitter. Prefers to take things at a slow and steady pace. After he’s caught doing something particularly bad, people will say, “He was a very quiet guy. I don’t even think he ever said, hi.” Quite possibly has a fractured relationship with his family. Most likely to work in a Halloween store.
LEPRECHAUN – The dude is Irish. And short. And hates when people talk about their Lucky Charms in an Irish brogue. Most likely to sucker punch you in a crowded bar.
JASON VOORHEES – Always asking people to come camping with him. Doesn’t own a bathing suit. Has some big time mommy issues. Favorite team, the New York Islanders. Loves to let the yard get so overgrown he has to ditch the mower and break out the machete. Signed up on Grinder when he thought it meant something else entirely. Most likely to, well, fucking kill you.
Miss the good old days of 80s slashers? Hunter Shea is here to take you on a trip to an abandoned Catskills resort in search of The Wraith, an unkillable killer with more than a few bloody notches on his belt. Welcome to SLASH!
Five years after Ashley King survived the infamous Resort Massacre, she’s found hanging in her basement by her fiancé, Todd Matthews. She left behind clues as to what really happened that night, clues that may reveal the identity of the killer the press has called The Wraith. With the help of his friends, Todd goes back to the crumbling Hayden Resort, a death-tinged ruin in the Catskills Mountains. What they find is a haunted history that’s been lying in wait for a fresh set of victims. The Wraith is back, and he’s nothing what they expected.
“Watch out, world, the Wraith is coming for you. As always, Shea brings the thrills with this urban exploration mystery chiller!” Megan Hart, New York Times bestseller author
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